Made Up Celebrity Gossip!

Blind Item! 

Which actress, who seems to have stopped aging in the early 90s and has a new hit TV show, is using powerful Haitian voodoo to drain the youth from her bedraggled former child-co-star?

In light of recent events we thought it’d simplify things to release complete list of celebrities that AREN’T gay:

Patrick Stewart – Anyone that can spend that much time with Jonathan Frakes’ beard without succumbing to temptation is definitely full-on hetero.
Tom Selleck
Michael Phelps – He’s only gay for me.

Christian Bale 

The Jonas Brothers - Congratulations tween girls! 

Angelica Huston
Brad Pitt – Dammit!
Dexter Freebish
Peter O’Toole – In spite of his name AND Lawrence of Arabia.
Connie Chung
The Starting Line-up of the Minnesota Vikings
Portia de Rossi – She’s actually a man.
Laura Bush
Ryan Seacrest – Yeah, who would’ve guessed it.

Rue McClanahan
Buddy Ebsen – No matter how much Jethro threw himself at him.

Everyone else... gay!