American Idol Top 3 - Judge's & Contestant's Choice

It's the time kids. Top 3, where the producers bring out the big guns to help get rid of contestants they don't want in the finale... Judge's Choice song selections. Though I doubt anything will ever top Syesha's song last year, a completely unknown dance-pop song from the soundtrack of Happy Feet, Hit Me Up. Let's see how the judges throw Kris under the bus and what they can say to push Chokey Karaoke Gokey into the finals.

This.... is my American Idol recap after the jump! 

Danny Gokey - "Dance Little Sister"  (Paula's Choice) : Danny gets a txt informing him that he's going to be singing a Terence Trent D'arby song and... he doesn't know it. I feel for him just for a moment and... I'm past it. Paula explains that this song is "magical" just like Danny's voice. Yeah.

It's really hard to judge a performance of a song you're not familiar with. Any decisions made by the contestant in terms of arrangement can't really be considered. His dancing though... I can judge that. Ugh. Nothing is as painfully awkward as the weird scatting, call and answer thing he's got going on with a saxophone player in the middle. Sigh. Randy says this was "the way to jump it off tonight." Kara likes that the song keeps him in his "money spot" and that there was too much gyrating from him in the dancing. Heh. What's she's really saying there is, "I'd still hit it but you're no Matt Giraud." Simon says the dancing was "desperate" and that he didn't like the "toy saxophone solo in the middle." 

Kris Allen - "Apologize" (Randy & Kara's Choice) : Kris gets his txt and asks the thousands of screaming girls in front of him if they want to hear him sing it on Tuesday. And their wombs all simultaneous explode. His performance is perfectly serviceable, nothing particularly Kris about it. His falsetto is weak. Meh. At least he's pretty. Randy & Kara wanted him to rearrange it, calling it "competent." Paula calls him out on a "bum note that was loud." Simon chastises Kara that for choosing a song for him and then blaming him for doing the song. Then insane judge bickering ensues. On the upside... there was less time for throwing Kris under the bus, which they shockingly didn't do much of. Agreeing with the judges blows.  

Adam Lambert - "One" (Simon's Choice) : Simon says this is one of his favorite songs in the world and that Bono said he'd be honored for Adam to sing it. This starts out so beautifully and then devolves into the most unnecessary Tranny Screeching ever. This was such a clear chance for Adam to just sing a song without the intense flourishes and I kind of wish the judges would rip him a new one for that. Not everything requires sticking your tongue out while the camera does a full 360 around your head. Paula critiques, "You have no idea how miserable my life is right now... sitting next to [Simon] gloating." "It may sound a little bit biased but I thought that was a brilliant song choice," says Simon. Yeah. This show is about singing.

Danny Gokey - "You Are So Beautiful": Ugh. This song choice for Gokey brings back the intense hate. Ryan queens out while describing how all the young girls in the audience "awww" at it's mention. HATE! Every time he does anything like this I can't get away from thinking this is a really calculated move to remind people his wife died. It strikes me as so skeezy and manipulative. The vocals are solid though and if I close my eyes and forget who he is for a moment I can imagine my Grandmother listening to this on an adult contemporary station. That's the only way I see Danny making a non-Christian music album... if he targets the "Quiet Storm" radio show demographic. Randy says that Danny shows he can "really, really, really sing." Kara calls it "stunning." Paula says it was a "beautiful, beautiful perFORMANCE" in a really awkward way that sounds like "farm dance." 

Kris Allen - "Heartless": Bias alert! I got SO excited when I heard Kris was doing this song. I love the original and I love dramatic rearrangements. Kris is on the stage alone with just his acoustic guitar and it's fan-fucking-tastic. This is exactly the kind of game-changer he needed to have a shot at getting into the final 2. Gokey went so middle of the road tonight that there's no way the judges can't recognize that what he's doing here is bold, innovative, and risky. Randy calls it "one of the toughest voting nights in the whole year of this show" and that it's "better than the original." Kara calls it "bold, brave, and fearless." Randy throws in a few "hot, hot"s while Kara blathers on. Paula "commends [him], bravo." Simon says he had written Kris out of the competition but "that has all changed after that performance" and it's SO TRUE. 

Adam Lambert - "Cryin'":  Adam comes out to do some "early Aerosmith" for Kara. Part of me likes to believe Adam picked this song as an insult to Gokey and his scream of doom last week, but somehow I doubt it. I'm not a huge fan of this song, but Adam is clearly having fun and that translates. Though... what the fuck?!?! the backup singer is screaming louder than he is and she's off key and it nearly brings down the whole first half of the song. Whenever he's alone it sounds great but whenever he tries to harmonize with her it's BAD. Thankfully she drops out early and we get plenty of fierce, 18-note Tranny Squeals! The performance is great but not at the level of insane greatness he's reached before. At this point Adam's greatest competition is the insane expectations people have for him. Randy, Kara, and Paula give him crazy amounts of praise. Simon points out that people need to vote for him. 

Who Should Go Home?: Uh, Danny Gokey

Who Will Go Home?: I can't say I'd be shocked by any result. The Adam/Danny, dark/light, homo/Chrisitan widower finale has be pre-planned from the beginning, but I think Kris did everything he could tonight to upset that. I'm going to say... the universe loves me and we finally put the Go in Gokey. 

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Danny Gokey's "Dream On" Screech

For those of you who didn't see last night's Idol, here's the most annoying sound in the world. Any Gokey fans out there want to step up and tell me I'm wrong about this? No seriously... I just want to see someone try to defend this.

And scene!

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American Idol Top 4 - Rock Week!

Are you ready to rock?!? Idol isn't as Seacrest explains that for the first time the finalists haven't had a dress rehearsal, because one of the giant neon Idol signs exploded and fell down. This should be interesting as it means for once the judges will have to critique only the performances they're watching now instead of the dress rehearsal they normally take notes on. Anyone else expecting a massive Kara fail? Oh everyone? Moving along then.

Slash is the mentor and even he is like "Yeah. Who would think I'd end up on this show?" But, alas, even Slash needs a little publicity now and then. He's a badass throughout. I have to admit. When I heard that they were doing Rock Week I never expected it to be filled with so many actual rock songs. Seriously. It's like a Guitar Hero concert for tweens up in here.

Who sucked? (Danny) Who rocked? (Adam, almost literally with his cock out... those pants!) Find out after the jump. This........................ is my American Idol recap!

Adam Lambert - "Whole Lotta Love": Led Zepelin on American Idol. Wah?!? Slash calls Adam "easy" and I giggle. Adam wants to "come out and kill it" and he comes out with some serious jewelry on. Also, he's some new orangey color. Is that makeup? The vocals are spot on. He doesn't stray too far from the original, though it's a return to the crotch-thrusting intense, tranny sexuality that made "Ring of Fire" so awkward and amazing all at once. He finishes off with a tranny squeal and face it... he's got this shit wrapped up. It was a great performance and I got so wrapped up in it I didn't come up with any snark. I mean... the necklace was insane, but wonderfully Adam insane. Kara calls him a "rock god" and goes crazy and starts scream "Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!" Who's her favorite now? I'm confused. Simon says the performance was "a little understated."
Pronosis: Uh. Yeah. He's safe and he's the only one.

Allison Iraheta - "Cry Baby": Allison's made a trip to Adam's hair dresser, so they've reach a new level in their fag/hag relationship apparently. Overall she does justice to Janis, which is not an easy thing to do. Sometimes her upper register sounds a little shreiky. But overall she's in control of the song and the stage and I like it. While listening, I think to myself this is what her album should be. I'm such an Allison fantard. I started to write that her voice is so rich and textured and I love it and it's true but I feel like a dork for typing it. Randy says she can "sing her face off" but he "didn't love this." Kara says that Allison needs to be doing "bluesy rock" and she should have sung "Piece of My Heart." Paula thinks that "if they ever do a biopic on Janis Joplin, [she's] got the role" and Allison very politely laughs. Also, Jenna Maroney is Jackie Jormp-Jomp, thank you very much. Simon thinks she had "complete confidence" but wasn't "very original." Allison talks back some and it's awkward and Ryan sends us to commercial.
Prognosis: She should be safe but she isn't.

Danny & Kris - "Renegade": It's our first Idol duet and it's... not really a duet song. Danny & Kris sound good during the harmonies but separately this isn't really a song for either of them and they mostly just awkwardly stand there holding the mic stands, bobbing up and down. It's intensely karaoke. I like that someone in hair and makeup gave Danny slightly more pointy hair because it's more "rock." It's a shouty mess towards the end and let's just all pretend that didn't happen. Randy likes the harmonies as well. Kara says there were "pitchy moments" and says she doesn't think they could hear themselves. Heh. P0wned by Kara! Simon says that "Danny was better than Kris." Which... okay? 

Prognosis: The scripted throwing of Kris under the bus has begun! 

Kris Allen - "Come Together": Kris plays guitar with Slash in rehearsal and it made him "want to pee [his] pants." Heh. Totally understandable. The crunchier guitars throughout this version are fun. Sadly they drown out Kris' vocals a bit. He sounds pretty good, jams on his guitar, and looks like he's having fun. We get some side-jaw screams. Overall I think it's a solid performance, though I have to admit, I'm pretty fond of Come Together and that's got to be a factor. Randy appreciates him picking something so he can "still be Kris Allen" and likes what he did on his guitar. Kara calls him "the softer side of rock" and it "wasn't a great performance." She also says he's "trying too hard." Fuck you, Kara. You're the queen of trying too hard. Simon says "It was rather like eating ice for lunch. It leaves you with nothing to remember afterwards." *sigh* 

Prognosis: They want his ass gone before the finals. 

Danny Gokey - "Dream On": Holy. Living. Fuck. It's nothing but love for the readers of this blog that propelled me to watch this performance again. I've had a lot of issues with Danny throughout this competition. I think he's smug and annoying and I find it offensive the way he let his wife's death be used by a FOX reality show to propel himself to stardom, but this performance is worse than all of that. Slash calls him "gifted" and Danny thinks he can go for "bigger things" with this performance. First of all... why is he wearing guido jewelry, a collared shirt with a vest, and pinstripe pants to do Aerosmith? It starts off okay... a little shouty... a little gross but not terrible. Then there's the strobe lights that start some impromptu scatting! Oh sweet Jesus. The strobes won't stop and now there's a key change and SINGING FAIL! I've had better performances while drunk at 3am at karaoke. My ears start to bleed and now he's screaming.... and he missed that note completely. The strobes are getting faster and now he's trying to mix it up by hitting every note and he gets down on one knee while holding the mic stand like it's the only thing keeping him from tumbling into insanity. What the fuck? Shouldn't the censors have cut away and spared us from that? Randy says "I'll give you one thing. It was alright for me" and gives him an "A+ for effort" and says "it's just not what you do." Kara says he took it "a little too far" and then proceeds to call Cryin' and Crazy early Aerosmith. Idiot. Does she not remember Alicia Silverstone? Who could forget that? "Was it perfect no? But I commend you for taking chances," she closes with. Paula says she "doesn't know if this was the right song for you" and asks the audience who is a Danny Gokey fan?!? And then the audience just starts cheering? She also gives him an "A++ for going for it." How transparent can they be?!? No one has said anything positive about this performance but he gets an A for trying? Simon "agrees with what everybody said" and at least admits "the last note was like watching a horror movie." "I still think you're gonna be safe tonight" says Simon.

Prognosis: They're bending over backwards to keep him in this. Maybe he sounds completely different when you're actually there? Ugh. I hate this show. 

Adam & Allison - "Slow Ride": Thank god I get me some Frankentranny duet goodness to make up for Gokey trying to murder my eardrums. The whole thing is adorable. They're clearly having tons of fun and really enjoy feeding off one another's energy. I'm totally committed to an Adam/Allison final 2 if this is what the finale would be like. Lots of runs and smiling and dorky, but charming dancing. Adam's pants are INSANE. I believe when he first walked out I referred to them as his "Beetlejuice dick pants" and I don't think there's a better way to tell you what's going on down there. Whew. "Slow Ride" totally isn't a duet song but I love it anyways and it's my favorite performance of the night and well... I never claimed to be unbiased. Frankentranny love! 

Who should go home?: Gokey, hands down. Everyone with ears and the ability to be honest with themselves agrees with me.

Who will go home?:  This one is such a tossup between everyone who isn't Adam. I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it's Gokey, because I want to have faith in the human race. But... it could easily be Kris or Allison. 

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American Idol Top 5 - Rat Pack Standards

It's Rat Pack week on Idol and it's a bit of a mixed bag. On the upside: I enjoyed all the performances to some extent, Lil is still gone, and there are some great song choices. The not so good: the judges were on crack tonight. I've never disagreed with them more. Also, for the first time on Idol the Top 5 only performed one song a piece, leading to the most padded performance show ever. Seriously we got like 25 minutes of Jamie Foxx, because as Kris so succinctly put it, "all those rat pack people are... dead." The more cynical part of me thinks that the producers didn't want to count on this group of five learning two numbers in a week, which makes me curious as to what will happen at Top 4, when it should also be two apiece, and Top 3 & Top 2, when it should be three apiece each show.

With that said, here's my take. This..... is American Idol... after the jump!


Kris Allen - "The Way You Look Tonight": Jamie lets us know that Kris isn't trying to sing "the throat olympics." I have to say upfront I have a serious soft spot for this song. Lots of reviews I've read online say this performance bothered them because it was too slow, but I was swooning the whole way through. I love the uptempo switch in the middle. Kris is spot on with pitch. He looks insanely hot in his little suit. The only fault I can find in it is the final note, which he flubs, though he looks like he knows he flubs it. Overall, he shows surprising range and really makes the most of the song. Randy says it's his "best performance to date" and that he "told a story" with "mad, nice vocals." Kara calls him a "dark horse" and compliments his "diction." Heh. Oh horny, Kara.  Simon thinks it's "wet" and I think the audience certainly is. 

Prognosis: This is a hard one to call because if Simon hadn't panned it I'd say Kris is safe for sure, but he's the only judge people actually listen to. Though he does occasionally hate on a contestant to rally support for them. 

Allison Iraheta - "Someone to Watch Over Me": Allison low-lighted her hair! It looks so good. Thank you stylists for finally making her not look insane. Jamie tells her she's too young to be in love and asks her if she's "twelve or thirteen." She says she's "about five." She then laughs at herself all embarrassed. Heh. I love her. Her performance is stellar. She belts out this motherfucker. Lots of solid glory notes and raspiness. It's so funny to see the transition between Performance Allison and Normal Allison. She's so in control of the stage when she's singing and as soon as she's done she is awkward as hell. Randy & Kara pimp her out, though I don't know that saying they aren't "nervous for her anymore" helps at all. I mean... they want people to vote for her right?  Paula is proud of her "alluring and tender" performance. Simon asks if she thinks she can win and Allison give the diplomatic we-all-can answer. Which, no. Anyone but Matt Giraud could conceivably win. Simon thinks she's in danger tonight. Reverse pimpage? Allison hate? Insanity? Who knows.

Prognosis: Almost certainly in the Bottom 2. If she is after that performance I don't know that she has a chance in hell to make it to the finals. 

Matt Giraud - "My Funny Valentine": The growth is covered by a hat. That's a thing. Jamie advises him not to only sing the song in false and to stop doing runs all over the place, which THANK GOD someone told him that. So I'm trying something new which is closing my eyes when he sings to see if it's just his face that makes me hate him. Seriously, he is a level of fugly that makes me happy I don't get FOX in HD. I don't know how people looking at him in 1080i can take it.  This performance is all over the place.  Some of the notes sound astoundingly good and others are really flat. There's a depth missing from his lower register that's really noticeable. Randy calls it "pitchy" and says that some of the runs didn't come together. Kara "didn't feel he was emotionally connected." Paula "felt the connection" and heard "a different side of Matt." Those pills must be fantastic. Simon disagrees with Randy and at this point I can only assume he's trying to lull voters into a sense of complacency because I have never disagreed with him this much. 

Progonosis: Better than last week. Who knows what the Simon pimpage will do? 

Danny Gokey - "Come Rain or Come Shine": Jamie gets all up in Danny's grill and really freaks him out and somehow that makes him a better performer? *sigh* We couldn't have two numbers instead of this clip package? Danny's lost the stubble and looks a little more Stay-Pufty than usual. I can't tell if these glasses are new or not. Too many pairs to keep track of at this point. The vocal is solid but he really just stands there awkwardly for most of it until he takes the mic of the stand and gets his Taylor Hicks on and semi-struts for the last 30 seconds or so. The whole thing was... serviceable? Randy says he could "have an album of songs like that," which I guess is true but who would buy that. He tops it off by point out that "[he] can sing!" Setting the bar a bit low there no? Kara says she's been missing that "rat pack swagger" and jizzes in her pants. He was less douche-y during the judges comments this week. So yay? 

Prognosis: Perfectly safe, in spite of the performance. Getting rid of this douche is going to be a job of work and likely won't happen until Top 2. I'm praying for an upset but there's a large segment of Jesus-freak haus-fraus that will continue to vote for him because of his shameless sob story and the blatant judge pimping. At this point I can only assume the judges want him in the finals because he's going to lose to whoever they push him up against. The Danny vote is strong but the Anti-Danny vote is going to be way stronger. 

Adam Lambert - "Feelin' Good": So Adam is coming out with a "rock edge." Adam also comments on Jaime Foxx being "three feet" from his face, so we know he's a close talker for sure. God. This performance... I don't know how to put it into words. He descends on that staircase in that white suit with the crazy spotlights. It's insanely theatrical. It's like it's ripped from a Madonna tour or something... but with singing. So much swagger. So much tranny fierceness. Seriously. It's like his whole performance is a giant "Yes. I'm really, really gay." to America. The arrangement itself isn't so much a song as a framework for super-gay vocal acrobatics. There's an insane glory note with a 360 crane pan around his head. Afterwards the judges look DEEPLY confused and I love it! Randy calls it "a little too Broadway for him." Kara's "mouth drops open" and is anyone surprised by that? Certainly not Giraud. Paula calls him Michael Phelps and I momentarily miss his abs. Simon says that complaining about Adam being theatrical "is like complaining that a cow moos." 

Prognosis: He's fine for tonight but at some point he's going to have to start singing songs again because I think the super-theatrical, vocal acrobatics might just cost him in the finals.

Who should go?: Matt or Danny, I really couldn't care less

Who will go?: Probably Matt, maybe Allison. Though I voted like hell for that girl. 

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American Idol Top 7 Part Deux - Disco Week

American Idol continues marching towards an inevitable Adam Lambert / Danny Gokey finale showdown that will surprise no one. (Spoiler alert!: Tranny Glambert's going to narrowly beat out the portly religious dude with the dead lady friend.) In the meantime this week brings all sorts of train-wrecky goodness to distract us from how stale and pitchy this season is as a whole: Double-Elimination Disco Week!

Yes Disco is terrifying and this would all be a lot more fun if it was Bee Gees week. Side rant! Frankly this entire season has had a dearth of overly restrictive themes which force contestants to rework music in interesting ways. I mean if Adam can get away with "Play that Funky Music White Boy" on "iTunes Top Downloads Week" then you've effectively made the theme "Songs that Exist." The same can be said for "Songs from the Year You Were Born" or "Songs from Movies." I'm sure no one was like "I can only pick songs from movies?!? what will I do?!?" End of Side Rant!

My Take on the Disco Week Performances and who is going home after the jump.


Lil Rounds: She screams out "I'm Every Woman." Well, she found a wig that works for her. But she still makes me wish this show had those red X's to stop a performance like America's Got Talent. Paula says she tapped into her "inner goddess" but didn't hit the "boiling point." Best part of the performance: Lil's seriously ghetto mother yelling at the judges during her critique. 

Prognosis: Goodbye, "Little" Rounds. 

Kris Allen: Outside of his INSANELY awkward banter moment with Ryan, his version of "She Works Hard for the Money" is pure sex and an example of the kind of retooling of songs this show is meant to be about. Also he gives us his weird jaw unhinging face again and I find myself thinking he looks kind of like a cartoon baby dinosaur. Having read that back I don't know what it means but it's totally my response. Kara uses the phrase "four on the floor" and sounds competent for a moment. Paula talks about Kris shopping in the women's department.

Prognosis: My favorite of the night.

Danny Gokey: He gets up and cheeses Earth, Wind, and Fire's "September." Really world? This guy would make a great wedding singer. Why do the judges like him? He's the fatter, less charismatic second coming of Taylor Hicks, a man who can't sell out a free concert despite winning American Idol only 3 years ago. Infinite HATE! 

Prognosis: You know he's safe but I'd watch another week of Lil just to see this smug fucker booted the week after the judges save is used. 

Allison Ihareta: So she comes out and does a dark, pop-rock version of "Hot Stuff," wearing a bonkers outfit that makes her look like a hooker while covering every inch of her body. There's white leather, there's giant bands of rhinestones, and I'm loving it. Her vocals are throaty and fun and while she still isn't living up to my hopes for her it's fun and entertaining.  If she makes it to the end with Adam it would be the most Frankentranny Fabulous Idol Finale ever. 

Prognosis: I'd say she's safe but I love her so I assume she's going thanks to Fat Justin Timberlake's save forcing a double elimination.

Adam Lambert: Glambert slows down and tranny screeches out "If I Can't Have You" and it's just ridiculous. I love him but this did nothing for me, but it makes Paula cry and shake. Kara says he looks like "the guy from Saturday Night Live meets Clark Kent," which.... uh yeah. Paula "never questions her visceral response" when she sees him sing and "feels his pain."

Prognosis: Only person safe tonight. Also, what's going on here does America not see how ridiculously gay he is? 

Matt Giraud: Holy god. "Staying Alive," no really. It's worse than you think. I give him props for covering up the conjoined twin remnants on his forehead with a hat. Well played, Timberlike. Randy hates it but says Matt "can sing," which I guess is good. Paula says Matt "picks songs like [she] bowls."  

Prognosis: Bottom 3 for sure.

Anoop Desai: Poor Anoop. I'm just so done with you now. His "Dim All the Lights" comes across like a really pitchy slow dance at a gay club. Do. Not. Want. Randy points out that it's "a little bit of a rough last note" because it was death set to music.  Kara thinks it sounds like it could be on the radio and I'm suddenly wondering if she's paying attention at all.  Paula continues her obsession with men in lady clothes by saying "real men know how to wear pink" also she says he has.... "beautiful teeth." Clearly a stellar performance.

Prognosis: Epic FAIL! 

Who should go home? Anoop/Lil 

Who will go home? Probably Lil/Anoop, though Matt and Allison aren't looking so good

Best possible outcome to make the judges go crazy? Dial Idol says it's a 7-way tie right now and a Danny/Kris double boot would make Paula kill herself on live TV.

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Danny Gokey of American Idol

A brilliant photochop I found on Sucks.

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