American Idol Top 4 - Rock Week!

Are you ready to rock?!? Idol isn't as Seacrest explains that for the first time the finalists haven't had a dress rehearsal, because one of the giant neon Idol signs exploded and fell down. This should be interesting as it means for once the judges will have to critique only the performances they're watching now instead of the dress rehearsal they normally take notes on. Anyone else expecting a massive Kara fail? Oh everyone? Moving along then.

Slash is the mentor and even he is like "Yeah. Who would think I'd end up on this show?" But, alas, even Slash needs a little publicity now and then. He's a badass throughout. I have to admit. When I heard that they were doing Rock Week I never expected it to be filled with so many actual rock songs. Seriously. It's like a Guitar Hero concert for tweens up in here.

Who sucked? (Danny) Who rocked? (Adam, almost literally with his cock out... those pants!) Find out after the jump. This........................ is my American Idol recap!

Adam Lambert - "Whole Lotta Love": Led Zepelin on American Idol. Wah?!? Slash calls Adam "easy" and I giggle. Adam wants to "come out and kill it" and he comes out with some serious jewelry on. Also, he's some new orangey color. Is that makeup? The vocals are spot on. He doesn't stray too far from the original, though it's a return to the crotch-thrusting intense, tranny sexuality that made "Ring of Fire" so awkward and amazing all at once. He finishes off with a tranny squeal and face it... he's got this shit wrapped up. It was a great performance and I got so wrapped up in it I didn't come up with any snark. I mean... the necklace was insane, but wonderfully Adam insane. Kara calls him a "rock god" and goes crazy and starts scream "Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!" Who's her favorite now? I'm confused. Simon says the performance was "a little understated."
Pronosis: Uh. Yeah. He's safe and he's the only one.

Allison Iraheta - "Cry Baby": Allison's made a trip to Adam's hair dresser, so they've reach a new level in their fag/hag relationship apparently. Overall she does justice to Janis, which is not an easy thing to do. Sometimes her upper register sounds a little shreiky. But overall she's in control of the song and the stage and I like it. While listening, I think to myself this is what her album should be. I'm such an Allison fantard. I started to write that her voice is so rich and textured and I love it and it's true but I feel like a dork for typing it. Randy says she can "sing her face off" but he "didn't love this." Kara says that Allison needs to be doing "bluesy rock" and she should have sung "Piece of My Heart." Paula thinks that "if they ever do a biopic on Janis Joplin, [she's] got the role" and Allison very politely laughs. Also, Jenna Maroney is Jackie Jormp-Jomp, thank you very much. Simon thinks she had "complete confidence" but wasn't "very original." Allison talks back some and it's awkward and Ryan sends us to commercial.
Prognosis: She should be safe but she isn't.

Danny & Kris - "Renegade": It's our first Idol duet and it's... not really a duet song. Danny & Kris sound good during the harmonies but separately this isn't really a song for either of them and they mostly just awkwardly stand there holding the mic stands, bobbing up and down. It's intensely karaoke. I like that someone in hair and makeup gave Danny slightly more pointy hair because it's more "rock." It's a shouty mess towards the end and let's just all pretend that didn't happen. Randy likes the harmonies as well. Kara says there were "pitchy moments" and says she doesn't think they could hear themselves. Heh. P0wned by Kara! Simon says that "Danny was better than Kris." Which... okay? 

Prognosis: The scripted throwing of Kris under the bus has begun! 

Kris Allen - "Come Together": Kris plays guitar with Slash in rehearsal and it made him "want to pee [his] pants." Heh. Totally understandable. The crunchier guitars throughout this version are fun. Sadly they drown out Kris' vocals a bit. He sounds pretty good, jams on his guitar, and looks like he's having fun. We get some side-jaw screams. Overall I think it's a solid performance, though I have to admit, I'm pretty fond of Come Together and that's got to be a factor. Randy appreciates him picking something so he can "still be Kris Allen" and likes what he did on his guitar. Kara calls him "the softer side of rock" and it "wasn't a great performance." She also says he's "trying too hard." Fuck you, Kara. You're the queen of trying too hard. Simon says "It was rather like eating ice for lunch. It leaves you with nothing to remember afterwards." *sigh* 

Prognosis: They want his ass gone before the finals. 

Danny Gokey - "Dream On": Holy. Living. Fuck. It's nothing but love for the readers of this blog that propelled me to watch this performance again. I've had a lot of issues with Danny throughout this competition. I think he's smug and annoying and I find it offensive the way he let his wife's death be used by a FOX reality show to propel himself to stardom, but this performance is worse than all of that. Slash calls him "gifted" and Danny thinks he can go for "bigger things" with this performance. First of all... why is he wearing guido jewelry, a collared shirt with a vest, and pinstripe pants to do Aerosmith? It starts off okay... a little shouty... a little gross but not terrible. Then there's the strobe lights that start some impromptu scatting! Oh sweet Jesus. The strobes won't stop and now there's a key change and SINGING FAIL! I've had better performances while drunk at 3am at karaoke. My ears start to bleed and now he's screaming.... and he missed that note completely. The strobes are getting faster and now he's trying to mix it up by hitting every note and he gets down on one knee while holding the mic stand like it's the only thing keeping him from tumbling into insanity. What the fuck? Shouldn't the censors have cut away and spared us from that? Randy says "I'll give you one thing. It was alright for me" and gives him an "A+ for effort" and says "it's just not what you do." Kara says he took it "a little too far" and then proceeds to call Cryin' and Crazy early Aerosmith. Idiot. Does she not remember Alicia Silverstone? Who could forget that? "Was it perfect no? But I commend you for taking chances," she closes with. Paula says she "doesn't know if this was the right song for you" and asks the audience who is a Danny Gokey fan?!? And then the audience just starts cheering? She also gives him an "A++ for going for it." How transparent can they be?!? No one has said anything positive about this performance but he gets an A for trying? Simon "agrees with what everybody said" and at least admits "the last note was like watching a horror movie." "I still think you're gonna be safe tonight" says Simon.

Prognosis: They're bending over backwards to keep him in this. Maybe he sounds completely different when you're actually there? Ugh. I hate this show. 

Adam & Allison - "Slow Ride": Thank god I get me some Frankentranny duet goodness to make up for Gokey trying to murder my eardrums. The whole thing is adorable. They're clearly having tons of fun and really enjoy feeding off one another's energy. I'm totally committed to an Adam/Allison final 2 if this is what the finale would be like. Lots of runs and smiling and dorky, but charming dancing. Adam's pants are INSANE. I believe when he first walked out I referred to them as his "Beetlejuice dick pants" and I don't think there's a better way to tell you what's going on down there. Whew. "Slow Ride" totally isn't a duet song but I love it anyways and it's my favorite performance of the night and well... I never claimed to be unbiased. Frankentranny love! 

Who should go home?: Gokey, hands down. Everyone with ears and the ability to be honest with themselves agrees with me.

Who will go home?:  This one is such a tossup between everyone who isn't Adam. I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it's Gokey, because I want to have faith in the human race. But... it could easily be Kris or Allison.