Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Made Up Celebrity Gossip!

Blind Item! 

Which actress, who seems to have stopped aging in the early 90s and has a new hit TV show, is using powerful Haitian voodoo to drain the youth from her bedraggled former child-co-star?

In light of recent events we thought it’d simplify things to release complete list of celebrities that AREN’T gay:

Patrick StewartAnyone that can spend that much time with Jonathan Frakes’ beard without succumbing to temptation is definitely full-on hetero.
Tom Selleck
Michael PhelpsHe’s only gay for me.
Christian Bale 
The Jonas Brothers - Congratulations tween girls! 
Angelica Huston
Brad PittDammit!
Dexter Freebish
Peter O’TooleIn spite of his name AND Lawrence of Arabia.
Connie Chung
The Starting Line-up of the Minnesota Vikings
Portia de RossiShe’s actually a man.
Laura Bush
Ryan SeacrestYeah, who would’ve guessed it.
Rue McClanahan
Buddy EbsenNo matter how much Jethro threw himself at him.

Everyone else... gay! 

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Things I'm Obsessed With: Dan Hopper

Ok, so Dan isn’t so much a “Thing” I’m obsessed with, he’s more like a person/blogger I’m obsessed with, but I’m sticking with our blog’s theme…

Dan Hopper writes for bestweekever.tv, the companion blog for the television show of the same name. With the exception of one or two posts in his entire career, I’ve enjoyed them all and I always LOL at some point while reading. I usually send David a link to whichever post I’m currently reading, and he usually says, “oh, I was wondering when you’d send me that.”

So yeah, Dan H. and I are kindred spirits, and if I still lived in NYC I think I’d probably stalk him. I’d do it subtly though, and be all like OMG you’re Dan Hopper, and he’d be all flattered for being recognized, then we’d get married and live happily ever after. Some links to my favorite Dan Posts so you can read him in all of his glory are after the jump:

Playing Cards

Substitute the Word “Gamecock” with “Pirate” and “Tiger” with “Met” and you’ll understand why I like this one
Rapper Names
Jehovah’s witnesses
Tekken Pixar ending
Moving offices
America, Not so racist
Pasta N’ More
American Pie 90s
Dark Knight Fight

And that’s as far back as I can go for one day, but since I know this will get about as many readers as David’s Glory of Love post I don’t think it’ll even matter.

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Things That Actually Happened - Woman Wearing Cow Suit Arrested

Sometimes it's just nice to be reminded that the world is a mysterious and wonderful place as evidenced by something like this: 

This, by the way, is totally my new desktop wallpaper. 

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Ferris Bueller Comes to Life!

A group known as Project Bueller is calling upon not hundreds but thousands of volunteers to recreate the parade scene from Ferris Bueller's Day Off at this years Greenwich Village Halloween Parade, making them easily the coolest people I've ever heard of. 

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Repo! The Genetic Opera Soundtrack

The "Repo! The Genetic Opera" original motion picture soundtrack was released today. Though sadly the iTunes version is incomplete and "song only." So there's no Buy Album feature, making it virtually useless. For those of you that don't know, Repo! is an obsession of both of mine and Laura's, a freaky gothic rock opera from the director of Saw starring Paris Hilton and Anthony Stewart Head, Giles from Buffy! It's going to be a fantastic train wreck of a cult movie. Here's our favorite song from the film, thus far, which we've been listening to on youtube for a good chunk of the summer:

Zydrate Anatomy

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Monday, September 29, 2008

Dow Closes Down 777 Points, I'm Still Poor

 I normally make it a rule not to cover any actual news on this blog. Politics are just too unseemly and most of things that make the news are just too depressing to think about, but sometimes real news is just to important to ignore. The Dow closed down 777 points for the day today, the largest point drop ever in a single day. 

As an American with no job and no assets I say to all of you... Welcome! 
Don't worry America, it's not that bad. There's room for at least two more on my couch. Also, $1 value menus are still going strong. Seriously, Wendy's has this new spicy chicken wrap thing that's positively amazing. Also, at least your one bedroom apartment doesn't cost $1400 a month. You could be living in Manhattan. Sure the credit crunch might rob you of your job and kill your home values... but think of all the time you'll have to blog. There are like 20 flavors of Ramen noodles and I can tell you which of the bottom shelf liquors don't dissolve your throat on contact. 

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Pop Culture Tourettes: Billy Madison

If you know me, and I’m assuming you do because our readership isn’t that widespread, then you’ve probably noticed that most of what I say comes from either a movie or a television show. Sometimes I try manage to successfully incorporate these quotes into the conversation I’m having, but many times I just randomly say things that have nothing to do with anything being said. David calls this phenomenon “Pop Culture Tourettes.”

For the past week or so I’ve been trying to catch myself in the act, so I could share some of my most quoted movies and tv shows with my blog. This exercise has taught me that the movies I quote most often are kind of bizarre, and this might have to be a daily post, because I think maybe 90% of what I say is unoriginal. The first movie I’ll mention/explore in this series is Billy Madison, because oddly enough, this one comes up daily. See how I manage to use these quotes after the jump.

Billy Madison Quotes (in no particular order):

Normal Conversation Quotes: These are quotes that on paper, seem normal enough, and often times they aren’t random, I actually use them to progress the conversation, but I have to give Billy Madison Credit because I usually say them in some sort of weird voice or inflection.

“There was something I was supposed to do today”

“I’d rather have a beer”

“You know something, you suck!”

“That is Correct”

“So sorry to interrupt!”

“No I will not make out with you!”
Clearly I use the last one a lot, you know, because people want to make out with me all the time.

Totally random things that I say—these are a little more difficult to squeeze into conversation, but I manage somehow…

“Eric is Pregnant”
I use this one if someone says something like, “I’ve got big news,” or “did you hear?”

“Mr. Madison, what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.”
I say this, though not verbatim (usually), when someone gets an answer wrong, or does something dumb.

“Don't put it out with your boots, Ted.”
I just say this to my friend Lauren a lot. And sometimes randomly when there is an awkward silence.

“Well, maybe if you told me they were delicious Triscuit crackers I could have enjoyed them with you.”
Whenever someone denies me delicious Triscuit crackers, I have to say this. And so should you.

“I thought I was your snack pack”
I don’t really know how I fit this one in, but I know that I do somehow, because I can picture myself saying it…

“T-T-T-Today Jr!”
Whenever some kid stutters…

“O’Doyle Rules”
Again, I’m not sure how I use it, I just know I say it sometimes…

If you can think of any Movies or TV Shows I quote a lot, leave them in the comments!

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Things I'm Obsessed With: Leet Speak

Leet speak, where leet or 1337 (see how it looks like letters?) means elite, is an internet dialect of sorts used primarily for text chats in online gaming and on message boards. It often involves replacing letters with numbers or other characters which resemble them, the use of deliberate misspelling and punctuation for comedic effect, and frequently features overly dramatic emphasis. 

The most important word is pwn (own), which supposedly evolved from the proximity of the p to the o on the qwerty keyboard, making it an easy typo. To pwn is to dominate or claim victory over someone.

Examples: "You just got pwned!" "Dude I powned your ass!!11!!1!" or simply "PWNT!!!11eleventy!!!!

More about leet and some video examples after the jump.

A few other key words...

n00b: newbie, one who is inexperienced and therefore inferior

w00t!: an exclamation of joy

Suxorz: to suck

Haxx0r: a hacker

lolz: the noun form of lol, sometimes spelled lulz

popular suffixes -ed, -age (i.e. "pwnage!")

The best thing about leet is that there are no defined rules and you can really mix it up however you want so long as it legible, but a good rule of thumb is to make it look like you're on crack as much as possible.

Now that you're slightly less of a n00b, enjoy these leet clips:

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix trailer with 1337 subtitles.

Jeopardy finalist wagers leet.

Local newscasters tell you how leet speak will melt your brain and kill your children. Everything in this report is wonderfully inaccurate. 

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Jenna Maroney - Muffin Top

Jenna Maroney, star of The Rural Juror, sings her hit song, Muffin Top. It's #1 in Israel and #4 in Belgium.

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SNL Season 32: Best Ever? Oh MY SHIA!

As David has mentioned on our blog before, Season 32 of SNL is definitely one of our favorites. It’s possible that we like it because it reminds us of Sunday mornings in Harlem, when we would lounge about the apartment watching the previous night’s SNL while most of our neighbors were at Church. Or it could be because it kind of returned to the off the wall, random humor we loved in the early 90s. I think it’s a little bit of column A, and a little bit of column B. I could write about this season all day, but I think David and I are gonna try to have a series on season 32, so keep your eyes peeled!

This particular post is about a Sketch from the Shia LeBeouf episode. I distinctly recall asking David, “Who the ef is Shia LeBeouf?” His answer of, “he was the dude in Holes and Even Stevens,” was not satisfactory, so I watched this episode ignorant of the LeBeouf’s awesomeness. He quickly won me over with his hosting abilities, and frankly, I might have to have a short series of posts on his SNL greatness. I digress. ANYWAY, the particular sketch I’d like to share with you is from the end of the show, and I’m sure it just barely made the cut. After the jump, I bring you “Shia and Maya

I happen to really like Maya Rudolph, so perhaps that’s why I enjoy this sketch so much. Her performance as a woman desperate for little Shia’s attention just makes me laugh (out loud?) and there are so many great, quotable lines in the sketch, including, but not limited to, “Oh My Shia.” Which I actually say quite a lot, (I get some strange looks if I say it to anyone but David).

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Saturday, September 27, 2008

Life Imitates Art

Below is a still from Silent Hill 4: The Room and a picture I took of my friend Bryce outside a movie theater where we saw Dakota Fanning in "Hounddog" (aka the movie where Dakota Fanning gets raped.)  Uncanny no? 


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Video Tribute to Paul Newman

Paul Newman 1925-2008

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Random Youtube Video - Awkward Squirrel Lust

This post was inspired by a facebook wall posting from my friend Rebecca, that simply said "Blow me to Bermuda!" from the classic Disney movie "Sword in the Stone."

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Friday, September 26, 2008

The Office: Weight Loss

This week’s Office return was exceptional. I feel like the show is off to a good start…returning back to basics. Not so much of the crazy weird Michael Scott antics that we saw last year, case in point, driving into a lake. Not funny. The show had a few hits and misses after the writer's strike last year, but definitely ended on a high note, and I’m glad to feel so positive about the premiere!

This week we saw classic Stanley, Dwangela, Michael and Ryan’s Bromance, Kelly collapse, and JIM AND PAM GET ENGAGED!! Seriously, what more could we ask for? A picture of the Staypuft Marshmellow man? DONE AND DONE! I was taking notes for this post last night, and ended up with about 4 ½ pages of quotes, so I did some major editing and I’m sharing what I thought was funny with you, my loyal readers.

After the jump, some of my favorite moments and quotes.

Michael’s missed opportunity: “Hold it in your mouth if you can’t swallow”

Kevin: “Pam, you weigh 226 pounds?!?”
Holly: “Almost Kevin!”
Pam: “Not Almost though, Holly”
Holly: “Math is Hard”

(I’m so glad they kept the Special Kevin joke running.)

Pam: “What up 212”

cleanse diet: All she has to do is drink Maple Syrup, lemon Juice, Cayenne Pepper and water for all three meals. Mindy Kaling NAILED that scene, she’s awesome.

Angela: “I have a nice comforter and several cozy pillows. I usually read a chapter of a book and it’s lights out at 8:30, THAT’s how I sleep at night.”

All Andy needs to find is a 1,000 year old church in the continental United States, there has to be a rainbow, a 24 hour veterinarian on call…

Dwight: "I apologize for creating a ruse that forced you to exercise."

Andy Bernard doesn’t lose contests, he wins them. Or he quits them, because they are unfair.


Poor Poor Toby. What a sad ending :(

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2 of my Favorite Things: Batman and The Venture Bros.


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In Case You Didn't Know... The Chenbot

Those of you who don't watch Big Brother may not be aware that it's the first TV show hosted by an android. I give you.... Julie Chen (aka the Chenbot.)

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Britney Spears - Womanizer... Really?

Britney's new single, "Womanizer" is on the radio today.

First impression... it sort of sounds like Kathleen Turner saying the word "womanizer" over and over again through a fan.

Sample lyric: "womanizer, woma-woma-womanizer, womanizer, oh oh, you're a womanizer" *sigh*

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Things I'm Obsessed With: Peter Cetera's Glory of Love

It's difficult for me to express in words the depth of my obsession with this song and video, an obsession which began two years ago when it came on VH1 randomly and Laura and I recorded it on TiVo and preceded to watch it over and over again. It's not a stretch to say that "Glory of Love" is our jam. 

The production values on this video are amazing, mixing clips from Karate Kid, Part II with footage of Cetera performing what has to be some of the whitest "choreography" ever put to film.  Seriously. Check out those jazz hands. I'm also mesmerized by his teeth, not sure what's going on there.

What began as an ironic obsession turned into genuine love for this song. So check it out, you won't be disappointed. 

Lyrics, trivia, and a Glory of Love cover after the jump. 

Glory of Love Fun Facts: 
It peaked at #1 on the US Billboard Hot 100 chart on August 2, 1986, remaining in that spot for two weeks. It also spent five weeks atop the US adult contemporary chart.

Laura and I performed this at karaoke two weeks ago and while I claimed it was smoke making my eyes water, I might've really teared up from the undeniable power of the Cetera. 

It earned nominations in 1987 for an Academy Award for Best Song and a Golden Globe in the category of Best Original Song. 

In 1987, every kid in America wanted one of those drum things that you beat by rubbing your hands together.

It was also nominated for a Grammy Award in 1987 for Best Pop Vocal Performance by a Male Artist.

It was originally written for the movie Rocky IV and the producers passed on it?!? You know that one keeps them awake at night. 

Soul Shattering Lyrics:
Tonight its very clear
As were both lying here
There's so many things I want to say
I will always love you
I would never leave you alone

Sometimes I just forget
Say things I might regret
It breaks my heart to see you crying
I dont wanna lose you
I could never make it alone

I am a man who will fight for your honor
Ill be the hero youre dreaming of
Well live forever
Knowing together that we
Did it all for the glory of love

You'll keep me standing tall
You'll help me through it all
Im always strong when youre beside me
I have always needed you
I could never make it alone

I am a man who will fight for your honor
I'll be the hero youve been dreaming of
We'll live forever
Knowing together that we
Did it all for the glory of love

like a knight in shining armor
From a long time ago

Just in time I will save the day
Take you to my castle far awaaaay

I am a man who will fight for your honor
I'll be the hero youre dreaming of
We're gonna live forever
Knowing together that we
Did it all for the glory of love

We'll live forever
Knowing together that we
Did it all for the glory of love

We did it all for love
We did it all for love
We did it all for love
We did it all for love

New Found Glory - Glory of Love

Clearly artists will be covering this song for generations to come.

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Thursday, September 25, 2008

Blaine's Dive of Death, What Went Wrong?

By now most of you have heard about the lameness that was David Blaine's Dive of Death, though if you haven't it's totally worth watching the video below. He jumps around 1:50 and the crowd responds with a LOT of booing, during which he just sort of awkwardly hangs in mid air.

Apparently Blaine was originally going to jump and catch onto balloons in mid air and then float away on them, or so he says in a hasty street interview on TMZ. He claims that the broadcast delay caused by Bush's speech and subsequent weather problems made the stunt impossible as it was planned. It sounds like complete BS, except that I took a picture of the aforementioned balloons and harness and blogged about them yesterday calling them "so much cooler than anything Blaine is up to." 

Also, how the hell did this end up being the David Blaine blog? 

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Sometimes the Internet Fails Us: The Guy Who Plays Mr. Belvedere Fan Club

I think I’m one of like 25 people to actually own “SNL: The Best of Tom Hanks” on dvd, but I’m pretty sure I bought it with this sketch in mind. There are some other gems on the dvd, including “The 5 Timers Club,” and “Mr. Short Term Memory,” but “The guy that plays Mr. Belvedere Fan Club” is one of my all time favorite SNL sketches. If I didn’t have this dvd, I would curse the Internet for not containing this sketch.

The Guy Who Plays Mr. Belvedere Fan Club
From SNL Transcripts
[ open on interior, Conference Room B ]

Mr. Chairman: Okay, today's meeting comes to order, and, my friends, we have scored another major coup for all members in good standing. Now, don't concern yourself with how we did it, because it involves unsightly back-room haggling. Just get ready to enjoy another great first as a card-carrying fan of Mr. Belvedere, alright? If you leave your membership plaque on the dashboard of your car, Joe Gally said that we can park in the handicapped space at his brother's conveniece mart.

Cheryl: That's so wonderful, because sometimes I only have a few items to buy, like wine and cat food, and now I can go in and out much quicker!

Mr. Chairman: Right! So, enjoy! Okay, and now, to our next order of business is.. ah.. the nickname issue. Now, last time we spoke, we resolved to come up with a nickname for Mr. Belvedere that only we use, so we can identify each other in a strange town or something? Alright, ideas?

Doug: How about Thaddius.. or Big Bob.

Cheryl: Benny.

Adam: How about the Man Who Rides Alone.

Doug: Head Cheese?

Melanie: El Stinkmeister. [ boos]

Phil: I like Beacon of Bliss.

Kevin: How about.. Brocktoon.

Mr. Chairman: Brocktoon! Hey, I like it! Let's vote, alright? All in favor of Brocktoon, say Aye!

Group: Aye!

Mr. Chairman: Not in favor, Nay!

Group: Nay!

Mr. Chairman: Brocktoon it is!

Cheryl: That sounds like a Pepperidge Farm cookie, and that A-OK with me!

[ Comic enters the room ]

Mr. Chairman: Well, hey, hi! Welcome, come on in! Are you a fan of Brocktoon?

Comic: What? Uh.. no.. I, uh.. they're doing a Comedy Night here later, and I just got here early to sign up.

Mr. Chairman: Oh, alright. Well, take a seat, make yourself comfortable, sit anywhere. We're just getting ready to move on to our next ordr of business, but anything else?

Doug: Yeah, I'd like to say, partly to talk about it, and partly to let the new guy in on the mood here a little bit. Uh.. Mr. Belvedere is.. the light of my life. Um.. I know I speak for the others.. uh, when I say he is.. so amazing.. you know? And, uh.. he's just.. I wish.. you know.. I wish I could know him more, you know? Because.. he.. he is one of a kind, you know? He's.. I think about him all the time, and.. well, I'm wondering - should we kill him?

Mr. Chairman: [ stunned ] For God's sake, no!

Kevin: Uh.. we usually vote, Mr. Chairman.

Mr. Chairman: Well, okay, but before we vote, I'd like Doug to explain why he wants to kill Brocktoon!

Doug: Uh.. I want to meet this girl, and, uh.. I know that she'd be, you know, pretty impressed if she knew I hung out with Mr. Belvedere.

Mr. Chairman: Well, why kill him, then?!

Doug: Um.. because.. so he wouldn't know how unworthy I am to hang out with him..?

Mr. Chairman: Wait, I don't follow. What about the girl you want to meet?

Doug: Aw, she's probably a lesbo anyway.

Mr. Chairman: Well, I guess we can vote.. but we really shouldn't have to, people.. alright.. all those in favor who want to kill Mr. Belvedere, say Aye.

Group: Aye!

Mr. Chairman: All those who don't think he should be killed, say Nay.

Group: Nay!

Mr. Chairman: The Nays have it. He lives. But the vote shouldn't have been that close. Which brings me to an area I think we need to discuss. Now, I got a letter from Mr. Belvedere's publicist. It seems somebody has been killing his housepets again. Now, I'm not gonna ask which one of you is doing it, but I do think we need to do our exercises.

Comic: What exercise?

Phil: The exercise that helps keep the line between reality and fantasy a little less blurry. You'll see.

Mr. Chairman: Okay, who wants to start?

Cheryl: Okay. I should want to shake hands with Mr. Belvedere, I shouldn't want to grab a lock of his hair.

Mr. Chairman: That's good, Cheryl. And, even though it would be really neat to have a lock of his hair, we know that's not right. Someone else?

Mike: Yeah. Okay. I should want to send him a fan letter telling him how good he was in the episode where he teaches everyone how to cook, but I shouldn't want to type the letter on a death certificate.

Mr. Chairman: Yes! But, then, you learned that one the hard way, huh? Okay, so let's keep going. Come on.

Adam: I should like watching "Mr. Belvedere" a lot, but I shouldn't have to masturbate at the end of every episode.

Mr. Chairman: That's right. That is right. Discipline. Next?

Melanie: Uh, yeah! I should want to cook Brocktoon a simple dinner if he truly accepts the offer, but not if I sense that he accepts it telepathically.

Mr. Chairman: Yes, okay.. but let's keep the exercise in the form of "should" and "shouldn't", okay? Next?

Phil: I should want to cook him a simple meal, but I shouldn't want to cut into him, to tear the flesh, to wear the flesh, to be born unto new worlds where his flesh becomes my key.

Mr. Chairman: [ considering ] Good.

Doug: I got one. I should want to say hi to him nicely, I shouldn't want to keep him in a big jar in my basement.

Mr. Chairman: Alright, Doug, that's great, we understand that now. Go on, though. Why shouldn't you put him in a big jar in your basement?

Doug: Because.. his breath would fog up the glass, and I wouldn't be able to see him..?

Mr. Chairman: Well, now, there is that, but..

Comic: [ outraged, jumps up ] You people are crazy! You're talking about killing Mr. Belevedere, and putting this Brocktoon guy in a big jar, and dead housepets?! I mean, can't you see what you're talking about is wrong?! I mean, can't you see that?!

[ cut to the Comic inside a big jar in a basement screaming, his breath fogging up the glass ]

[ fade out ]

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Blogging Doesn't Pay

Everyone once in a while I'm quite happy that I don't have large sums of cash, mostly because Think Geek.com would make me poor if I had any money. Case in point these sets of Nintendo Vinyl Restickable Wall Decals, a steal at $75 a piece. Seriously. $75.... for each set. 

And yet, it would be so awesome to have a computer/gameroom with Donkey Kong on the walls... or health insurance. 

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Keeping My Word...

Best Week Ever had the goods... The Leanne Rap

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WikiTrivia - Tidbits I Learned on Wikipedia This Week

Francis Ford Coppola directed Captain EO, of Epcot fame, and Jack, that Robin Williams movie where he ages really fast.

The name of the infamous Final Jeopardy theme music is “Think!”

David Blaine has a full reproduction tattoo of Salvador Dali's "Christ of St. John of the Cross" spanning his entire back, also he sucks at life.

The fictional Morley cigarette brand, preferred brand of The X-Files’ Cigarette Smoking Man and Buffy’s Spike also appears in the following:

200 Cigarettes, Beverly Hills, 90210, Cold Case, Criminal Minds, ER, Everybody Hates Chris, Freddy Got Fingered, The L Word,  Malcolm in the Middle, Mission: Impossible, Nash Bridges, The Outer Limits, Platoon, Prison Break, Saving Grace, Space: Above and Beyond, Spy Game, That '70s Show, and The Twilight Zone.

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Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Kenley, Why Won't You Die?!?

Tonight's Project Runway was kind of a beautiful train wreck. The designs were a hot mess, but I can't recall an episode where we got so much time with the designers interacting which resulted in the revelation of one immutable truth: everyone hates Kenley, almost as much as I do. 

Korto (on making Kenley look good on the runway): “I’m not gonna lie… especially not for someone like Kenley.” 

I was particularly fond of her confession which went like this: “Kenley’s a hip-hop designer *incredulous look* yep. I can’t wait for tomorrow.” I love you Korto!
After the jump, I list the reasons that Kenley is a terrible human being. Also I'll talk about my favorite moments from this week, one of them even involves Kenley! 

Dear Kenley,

You suck. I hate that you talk back to the judges every week. I hate that you can't take criticism.
 I hate that it is awkward for me on a physical level every time someone
 gives you their opinion on one of your fugly, 50s pinup girl inspired "outfits." I hate your ridiculous makeup that makes you look 10 years older than you are. Also, I hate your weird vampire teeth. I don't understand how you managed to make Tim Gunn angry, a feat I once would have said was impossible. Seriously, how foul do you have to be to make Tim Gunn want to cut a bitch? Oh Also I hate you for THIS outfit...

Yeah. I'm still bitter that it won. Seriously, it's a Florida granny couch with a purple goiter. 

David Burch

And now for the things I jotted down during the episode that I liked:

Leanne grows on me every episode and the moment I find her rap online I'm throwing it up on the main page. The Leannimal is so bizarre and nebbish and wonderful.  

Okay, so when this episode wasn't about Kenley hating life... it was about crotches. 

Leanne while getting fitted: “You’re grabbing my crotch Kenley. *giggle*” 

The phrase "bunching in the crotch" will never stop being funny. 

Kenley: “Being sexed up by Jerrell is a little scary.” Easily the only thing the two of us have ever agreed on. 

And what was up with Jerrell's pants? His junk was the 6th finalist this episode. I found it particularly amusing when the director clearly told him to hold his hands in front of his crotch for the sweep over shot, though the following intensely awkward dick closeup was totally unnecessary.  

Suede after hair and makeup: “I’m thinking I look like I should’ve been in the drag queen challenge.”

Tim walking in after hair and makeup: “What happened to everybody?!? I’ve forgotten why I’m here!”

Also, what was up with the next week on Project Runway, Why is EVERYONE crying?!?

And just so this post isn't quite so negative... I leave you now with a Kenley I adore...

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This week's Columbia Music Scene

Since David posted about one of the many exciting things happening in NYC this week, I think I should maybe do the same for little ‘ole Columbia. Columbia has actually had its share of excitement this past week, musically anyway. The Friday night concert in five points was great, though it had a very unfortunate end, and the New Pornographers put on an amazing show Monday night. Last, but certainly not least in the Columbia, SC music scene, my own personal Rock Band. “Deadgar Alan Poe” continues to rock the video crowd at 130 South Shandon Street, even though the set list is admittedly stale (we’re planning to expand this on November 18).

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PETA Urges Ben & Jerry's To Use Human Milk
Group Says Move Would Help Humans, Cows

Every time I see a headline featuring them I wonder if they're some ultra right wing group trying to make liberals look insane. Sadly they're not. Way to keep the focus on important issues PETA!

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Live Blogging: My Afternoon with David Blaine

So I decided to treat myself this afternoon with a visit to David Blaine's Dive of Death, taking place right now at the Wollman Rink in Central Park. I figured I could live blog the experience and bring it to you, our dozens of readers. But since I don't have an iPhone and carrying my laptop around seemed silly, I'm using the word live blogging to mean I wrote things down in my notebook and took pictures with my camera phone. (I don't own a real digital camera. Sad day)

In case you aren't up to speed you can read about his stunt here and read the many people bitching about how he's not really upside down all, or even most of, the time here and here

Read about my experience after the jump.

2:02PM: I pass by some guy blowing up giant balloons attached to a harness, presumably he's going to use them to float up in the air. Little did I know that this is so much cooler than anything Blaine is up to.

2:03PM: I arrive at the Dive of Death stage, walk through some gates with signs informing me that I may be filmed and see Blaine himself, hanging about 3 feet off the ground surrounded by 200 or so people. I get in close and try to get a picture and realize all I'm going to get is a picture of people taking pictures of him. So I commit to that. I have the option of standing in line for approximately 40-50 minutes to get a picture taken up-close with Blaine, but I quickly decide there's no way in hell that's worth it. He's just hanging there talking to fans and some DJ from a local radio station with a puppet. Yeah.

2:06PM: A nice British couple comes up to me and asks if I could take a picture of them in front of the Dive of Death sign. They say they asked another "gentleman" to do it and he took their picture with their heads cut off which they inform me is wrong because "we have heads." I take another picture for them and they ask me not to tell the other guy that I took the same picture for them. British people are awesome. 

2:08PM: All the random "We love you David!"s are kind of strangely affirming. Also, I've begun to notice that David Blaine has a disproportionate amount of hot fans. I can't even begin to speculate as to why that is. 

2:09PM: David Blaine is hoisted up and then turned right-side up to stand on a raised lift platform where a doctor checks his vitals. Also, he gets some orangey sports drink. He takes his sunglasses off so that his vision can be checked. I wonder how he keeps the sunglasses on when he's upside down.  Magic! 

2:11PM: With a blanket wrapped around him, David Blaine pees.

2:11:05PM: I call Laura to tell her that I'm watching David Blaine pee. Sadly, she doesn't answer. 

2:12PM: I get hungry and decide to go look for a hot dog.

Well that was the whole experience. Pretty spectacular I say. For those of you hungry for more Blaine, I leave you this...

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Things I'm Obsessed With: Liz Lemon

It's difficult to express all my love for my TV alter ego, Elizabeth Conworthy (not her middle name) Lemon, and to write about anything having to do with 30 Rock without writing everything about 30 Rock. But if I were a female 30-something television producer, I would definitely want to be her or Jane Epsenson, but probably Liz. The producer of the fictional TGS with Tracy Jordan on 30 Rock has added so much to my every day vocabulary:

"Blerg." - Yes, Lemon, blerg!

"Dag!" - As in, "Dag, who does that?!?"

"Shut it down!"

"It is ill."

All the reasons I love Liz and video tributes, after the jump.

She has an unaccredited degree in Theater Tech.
She goes up on her roof all the time!
She doesn’t want to get drunk because there’s too many phones in here.
She eats El Sabor de Soledad cheese puffs from the Spanish deli in her neighborhood.
She has a laundry and newspaper pile.
If she was a Sex and the City character, she would be the lady at home who watches it.
She thinks gay dudes should be able to adopt kids and we should all drive hybrid cars but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t love America
She's going to tell all her friends she's voting for Barack Obama, but really she's voting for John McCain. (Mostly that one's amazing because it's from an episode from January 2007.)

The 30 Rock season premiere is October 30 and it can't come soon enough. So here's some of Liz in her own words.

Liz on Business

Liz on Frankfurt

Chocolate, Chocolate, Chocolate

Liz on Lots of Things - A 90 second Quote Compilation

Jack on Liz

Liz on Food - A Fan Made Music Video
This is set to that song from the Josie and the Pussycats Movie which only makes it more awesome. Did anyone else forget that movie had Rosario Dawson, Alan Cumming, and Parker Posey in it? Also, what happened to Rachel Leigh Cook?

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Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Whaat?!? Nooooo!


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