Friday, February 06, 2009

U R SO GHEY: FIRST!!!11!!1 Post Edition

Noted pop-culture anthropologist and one-man Gay Pride Parade Benjamin Horner is trying to understand what makes in the Internet so gay to the majority of its users; thus he's begun a project on Pop Cultured in which you (our lovely readers) can submit Internet anythings and Benjamin will analyze it with his flawless Homoness Richter Scale (the HRS, for short). For example, a few litmus tests:

Gus, The World's Ugliest Dog:
















*beep boop beep boop*

The HRS says: 0. There is nothing gay about this "dog" (swamp monster). If anything, Gus will make you never think sexual thoughts again regardless of your orientation. If anything, I'm sorry that I've just given you a thousand nights of erotic nightmares. No wait. I'm not.




Now, for the opposite end of the spectrum, let's test Chris Crocker's dramatic request to the world that we just leave Britney alone:


*beep boop beep boop*

The HRS says: 11. Ruh-roh. I broke my Homoness Richter Scale. Sometimes things are just to gay to be trapped in a sliding scale of 1-10. Incidentally, this video is also a 11 on the awful scale. But you probably already knew that.

Let me go build another another HRS, and let's try this again.

Meatloaf's "I Would Do Anything for Love (But I Won't Do That)" music video, extended cut:


*beep boop beep boop*

The HRS says: 8. Can you blame it? If it were much gayer, it'd poop rainbows and unicorns. As is, this video poops body glitter and 12-minute house remixes of Madonna songs. Sure, there's butch things like motorcycles (gay) and cops (double-gay!), but Meatloaf's weird fingernails are perched on fingers that sit on a hand that relies on a really limp wrist. Also, magical sliding chairs are w0rld-known as gay. They're part of our gay agenda (agenda item 32: decorate every house with a magical sliding chair). And let's not forget the random singing woman's outfit (though, please, can we? there's just so much boob under so little fabric): she's dressed like some tranny stripper angel. On a floating chaise. That's Gay. Case CLOSED.

Meatloaf, the food:


















*beep boop beep boop*

The HRS says: 4. There's nothing particularly gay about actual meat loaf except that it has a whole lot of meet in it. Just like half of Chelsea on a Saturday night. HAR DIDDLY HAR HAR!!! I'm the Queen of Jokes. I'll be here all week. Try the veal.

And thus concludes our first day of experimentation. Please feel free to make suggestions for future Homoness Richter Scale tests in the comments.

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