The Onion - Ghostbusters
If you know me well, you're probably aware that I like the movie Ghostbusters, so you can imagine how delighted I was to find this article!
6 months ago
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Sometimes the Internet Fails Us: Firestarter Brand Smoked Sausage Edition
I am convinced that the 32nd Season of SNL (2006-2007) is the best of the entire series run. Sadly, it is so unsung. Sure it gave us Dick in a Box, but more importantly it gave us Drew Barrymore reprising her role, Charlie McGee from the film Firestarter. This amazing skit isn't on YouTube, Hulu, or an torrent site I can find. So I've decided to recreate it with stills from nbc.com and a transcript I found online. Laura's sworn up and down that I should be Lonny San Fransisco for Halloween for the past two years.
The following is taken from SNL Transcripts:
Lonny San Fransisco V/O: [ singing ]
"The tasty smell of saus-age
Grilled fresh for your family's MOUTH!"
[ pan upward and rests on Charlie McGee standing over the grill ]
Charlie McGee: Hi! I'm Charlie McGee. But you probably know me better.. as Firestarter.
[ close-up movie footage of Charlie from "Firestarter" swoops over the scene ]
Charlie McGee: That was a long time ago, and now I've got something that I'm really excited about: [ holds up product ] Firestarter Brand Smoked Sausages!
[ dissolve to Loony standing in front of footage of sausages
smoking on the grill ]Lonny San Fransisco: [ singing ]"Firestarter Brand Smoked Sausages
Cooked in fires, she starts, with her mi-ind!"
[ dissolve back to Charlie ]
Charlie McGee: When I was a kid, there was nothing I loved MORE than the smell of my mama's home-cooked sausages. But, after she was killed by crazy, one-eyed assassin, John Raiford, and a team of rogue, government scientists, a lot of pretty crazy things happened. See, my parents had been using top-secret mental experiments back in the 60's, which, in turn, gave me the ability to start fires with my mind. Anyway, the government wanted to murder my whole family. [ shrugs ]
[ dissolve back to Loony standing in front of footage of sausages smoking on the grill ]Lonny San Fransisco: [ singing ]
"Plumpin' saus-ages in the smo-o-oke-house
Crammed FULL, of savory meats!"
[ dissolve back to Charlie ]
Charlie McGee: But, with the love and support of my husband and semi-professional song stylist, Lonny San Fransisco -- [ Lonny steps forward, grinning wide ] I used my talents to start Firestarter Brand Smoked Sausages!
Lonny San Fransisco: [ singing ]
"Slide the cas-ing through your moi-oist lips. A joint-less fin-ger, made of PORK!"
Charlie still doesn't have a lot of control over her abilities. Case in point! [ holds up a hook arm and laughs ]Charlie McGee: Sorry -- [ attempts to comfort Lonny with a pat on that arm, but he finches away. ]
Lonny San Fransisco: Hey, hey!
[ singing ]
"Feel the HOT grease in your whi-iskers
Chin SLICK, like a bald man's head!"
Charlie McGee: We use the finest pork shoulder in EACH and EVERY Firestarter Sausage, and then slowly roast them over a mesquite wood fire -- [ her hair suddenly rises in a burst of wind, and her face glows red ] that I start with my mind! [ she blows, as things return to normal ] They're the SAUSIGIEST! [ smiles ]
Lonny San Fransisco: [ singing ]
"Firestarter Brand Smoked Sausages
'Cause the government, screwed up, her bra-ain!"
[ points his hook over the grill ] Where there's smoke, there's fire![ Charlie stares at the grill, concentrates, as a big ball of flame jumps at Lonny ]
Lonny San Fransisco: [ screams ] COME ON!!!
Charlie McGee: I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
[ Lonny keeps his distance from Charlie ]
[ product slide swops forward ]
Announcer: Firestarter Brand Smoked Sausages. Smoked with fires she starts with her mind.
[ fade ]
A conversation that spurred at least one of David’s current Wikipedia searches
From G-
Chat
David: Why does Tyler Perry get to keep making movies?
me: i just don't know
David: Madea Goes to Jail opens in February
David: Followed by Madea Scared Stupid
me: good god
David: Wow there were so many more Ernest movies than I realized
me: haha
me: yeah
me: they really went far with that one
David: Rides Again, Goes to School, Slam Dunk Ernest, Goes to Africa, in the Army
me: i think i saw ernest saves christmas
David: I saw the first few... Goes to Camp, Saves Christmas, Goes to Jail, and Scared Stupid
David: They were apparently filming Ernest the Pirate when Jim Varney died.
me: i think the funniest joke in christmas was his version of "oh christmas tree"
me: thats sad
David: Indeed
David: That was in 2000. That whole thing just kept going and I was completely unaware
me: hahahaha
me: were they theatrical releases?
David: Not sure. I know they were through Scared Stupid.
David: Though here's a fun fact from the Ernest Goes to Jail wikipedia page:
David: The favorite film of jazz guitarist Kevin Eubanks
David: ?!?
me: hahahame: thats hilar
David: Ernest Rides Again was the last theatrical release
David: in 1993
me: wow
David: The internet is spectacular
me: yes it is
How I Fell In Love With YouTube (or Instantaneous Nostalgia)
Every once in a while I find myself wondering, how did man survive before the internet? I mean how could one possibly live without being able to instantaneously access the music video for Weird Al's "White and Nerdy," the 40th most watched video on YouTube. Seriously, 40th. Of. All. Time. Suck on that Chris Crocker.
So I decided in the spirit of user control and instantaneous nostalgia that YouTube embodies, (remember last Thursday? *sigh* That was the day), to list the videos from the whole 3 years of YouTube's existence that have made me fall in love with Me, or Us, or You.... Tube.
In no discernible order:
The "I Like Turtles" Kid
Who doesn't like turtles? Also, this would be an AMAZING Halloween costume.
The rest of my picks, after the jump.
Flea Market Montgomery
"It's just like... it's just like... a mini-mall. Oh yeah!" I do a mean couch dance to this song.
Planet Unicorn - episode 2
Is this series of cartoons the story of my life? Probably not, but I'd love a planet full of unicorns. "It's okay to express your emotions. I'm a bird... goodbye!" Also, that creepy baby laugh is deeply disturbing. Insane News Man
God this cracks me up every single time, also it's a testament to the power of proper punctuation.
Seriously, Look... at that... horse.
The Pot Brownie 911 Call
Newscasters should always get to have so much fun. Also, "I think we're dead."
I am, in fact, going to rock your body like it'd Canada Day.
Sometimes words just fail me... though Butters' performance of this on South Park is one of the greatest events of the 21st Century.
Dramatic Chipmunk
Sure he may actually be a prairie dog, but there's no denying that this chipmunk is a drama queen of the highest order. Appalachian State University is HOT HOT HOT
Van de Graff generators are always HOT HOT HOT, as are random black dudes playing keyboard solos. That's diversity right there.
Humble Beginnings
For my inaugural post, I feel I should mention the humble beginnings of this blog. David Burch and I lived together in New York City for one year, and when I moved away, we couldn’t stand not talking everyday. Instead of staying on the phone with each other 24/7 we pretty much talk on ichat for at least 8 hours a day. This sounds worse than it is, David and I can multi-task pretty well, and it’s not 8 hours straight, just approximately 8 hours a day.
These conversations vary in topic, but are usually related to pop culture in one way or another. The first time we discussed starting a blog, we were discussing the whereabouts of a secondary character from the early seasons of Full House. This Character, Walter, lovingly nicknamed duckface, has actually done pretty well for himself…
How did Walter figure into the formation of this weblog you ask? Here's the strange, but true answer: David and I discussed his fake romantic future with Stephanie Tanner/ Jodie Sweeten, and thought about how fun making up celebrity gossip would be in blog form.
After a few months of saying “we should really start that fake celebrity gossip blog,” I got a text from David asking if I was interested, for serious this time. So of course I said yes, and here we are… Girl Woodie did a fantastic job with our little logo, and the description of our blog makes us sound super cool—I imagine the dozens of readers we are expecting will often be weirded out by David and me, but what the hey…
Monday, September 22, 2008
Things I'm Obsessed With: Wikipedia
So I decided in the spirit of personal exploration to open up the pandora's box that is my browser history and find out just how much time I spend on Wikipedia. At first I thought "This will make an amusing post... I'll just list the topics that I happened to visit for a week and maybe elaborate on the more interesting ones." Sweet jebus, it was 377 entries in seven days. I know no one's going to read all that and I sure as hell wasn't going to do the links for that many entries. So I decided to just list the entries from just the weekend, when I have a bit more of a life. And for those of you who would chastise me about the "illegitimacy" of information found on Wikipedia I point you here, wikiality is real and Stephen Colbert says so. It's right there on the Wikipedia page for The Colbert Report.
Without further ado... the 45 topics I simply had to research this weekend, feel free to click on them and join me in expanding your understanding of the universe:
SNL Season 32, Taylor Law, IRT Ninth Avenue Line, Polo Grounds, Spore (2008 video game), Stuart Townsend, Korean War, David Bowie,
Richard Roeper
spotted dick, Tony Blair, abortion, Stephen Colbert, Autism: the Musical, villa, The Powerpuff Girls,
Big Brother Seasons 2-10, Sarah Silverman, Ernest P. Worrell, Tyler Perry, Ernest Goes to Jail, Bermuda, Wilson Cruz
Omphaloskepsis, Elia Kazan, Danity Kane, premature ejaculation, Firefly vodka, caffeine, and the following characters/places from Lord of the Rings: Frodo Baggins, Tom Bombadil, One Ring, Gandalf, Isildur, and Mordor.
What did I learn you might ask?
Kevin Eubanks, of the Tonight Show band, counts Ernest Goes to Jail as his favorite movie.
Firefly vodka isn't available in Manhattan, no matter how much I wish it was. Seriously it's the best thing in the south after Chik-fil-a, Zaxby's, and Beacon Tea. Oooh. I bet it'd taste great in Beacon Tea.
Tom Bombadil wasn't included in the movies because he doesn't further the plot of the books and his existence really negates the need for a big quest in the first place since he's pretty much immune to the ring.
Also I learned that my thirst for easily-accessible, possibly-true information is endless.
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