No More "No Boundaries"

American Idol Season 8 winner's coronation song, "No Boundaries" has been removed from the Idols Live tour after only three shows due to "poor audience response." During my Idol Finale recap I referred to "No Boundaries" as "the worst song in the history of music" and a "Musical Holocaust." So my heartfelt thanks goes out to the audiences in Portland, Tacoma, and Vancouver. You really took a bullet for the rest of humanity.

Below is footage of Kris' performance in which he proves that while he can "weather the hurricanes" a good chunk of the audience is going to use this song as an opportunity to hit the restroom. Seriously. You can see one of the exits directly in front of him in the video.

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American Idol Top 2 - Retreads, Producer's Pick, and Worst Song Ever

It's the end of the road folks. The last episode of Idol voting and the first half of what will surely be a bonkers finale, filled with pimping, random cameos, the return of Shrill Rounds and that blind guy that turned out to be funny. Here's hoping Megan Joy gets a song about birds tomorrow night.

Unfortunately, none of that exciting stuff will happen in this episode (except the pimping). Instead we get the worst episode of every season of Idol... the top 2 performance episode. How I wish the finale allowed the final 2, who should theoretically be at their best, to interpret and change up three new songs of their own choosing. Instead we get one retread, one horrific pick by Simon Fuller, and Kara has kindly written the worst song in the history of music for the contestants to bleat!

This is American Idol? And this.... is my last recap, after the jump.

Adam Lambert - "Mad World"
The upshot of this performance is that for anyone who failed to set their DVR to go long and missed it the first time... it's new to you. Unless, like me, you just looked it up on YouTube. My first reaction is... that coat... really? It's very "Neo Sings." The vocal is impeccable but I kind of have to wonder if the theatrics on this don't just distract from the song. I mean... there's lots of smoke but he's just wandering around the stage aimlessly. Given what's coming up, this was his one chance to rock and pull a full on Tranny Squeal and I find myself really disappointed. Randy gives him "an A+ on that one, dude, an A for Adam." Kara talks but I'm still not over "No Boundaries" yet so I ignore her. Paula is "unbelievably proud." Simon thinks "it was a little bit over-theatrical" and it "reminded [him] a little bit of Phantom of the Opera" and he could not be more right. If Adam had a boat and a lantern he wouldn't be able to stop himself from belting out "Music of the Night," though frankly calling something "over-theatrical" is basically just acknowledging that the performer is Adam. 

Kris Allen - "Ain't No Sunshine"
This is a smart move on Kris' part because he doesn't have overwhelming expectations on this song, it lets him play the piano, and there's a good chance he can top the vocal from his first performance. He effing slays it! While Adam looked like he was confused about his blocking at a high school play... Kris looks like he's giving a concert. Randy "hopes the Lakers win tonight." Kara says that Kris "has a way of forming an intimate bond with everyone in the audience." Somewhere from the audience Matt Giraud screams at Kris, "Run! Run!" Paula says he "awakens the spirit in all of us." What? Oh apparently he does it by "Allen-izing" songs. And we're moving on. 

Adam Lambert - "A Change is Gonna Come"
Simon Fuller has inexplicably chosen this song for Adam. I have two problems with this song. It doesn't fit his style at all and it's so weighted down with the history of the Civil Rights movement that a white glam rocker singing it on Idol just seems weird. If they'd every acknowledged that Adam is openly gay or made that a part of his narrative on the show then maybe this could be a song tying those movements together and making a statement... creating a real moment for him. Instead I can barely listen to the performance because this selection is just SO odd. Adam does a good job with it, though it doesn't sound like him and marks the second subdued performance on his part and really all I wanted out of tonight's six performances was just one fierce Tranny Squeal to make America uncomfortable. Adam seems to be resisting that side of himself (the entertaining side) as much as possible tonight to avoid scaring away Gokey voters that are looking for someone to support. Randy says Adam "can sing his face off." She Who Will Not Be Named blathers on and prepares to climb mountains or some such. Paula stands up and goes bug fuck crazy, twirling an imaginary lasso. 

Kris Allen - "What's Going On"
Kris pulls out the guitar and further pushes this singer/songwriter image he's gunning for tonight, to further distinguish himself from Adam. The arrangement is a little mellow. There's bongos. There's lots of side-jaw on Kris' part. The vocal is great though, simple with just enough flourishes to show that he's got some range. During the close-up I can only think I'm glad he didn't shave for performance night. He's so much hotter with stubble. That stubble could be the thing that pushes him to win. Randy calls it "light for this big ole room." Kara hangs herself in shame. Paula says she "knows what's gong on... you tore that song up and made Marvin Gaye proud!" Simon says it "was too laid back for a night like this." Meh. Simon needs to learn that pop music is no longer Celine Dion and Mariah Carey. I think what Kris did could easily be an arena concert now. 

So here it is people. It's time to confront Kara's coronation song, "No Boundaries," the worst song ever written. Midway through Adam's performance I lost it, with full on out-of-control laughter, listening to the lyrics and I figured we should just deal with them upfront: 

With every step you climb another mountain
With every breath it's harder to believe
You'll make it through the pain
Weather the hurricanes 
To get to that one thing

Someone is getting saddled with this as their first single and frankly that makes me wish Danny Gokey was going to be our American Idol. It's rare that you get songs about giants asphyxiating during recurrent hurricanes. Also "You can go higher! You can go deeper!" being screamed by Adam Lambert is something only a small portion of the population was hoping to get out of tonight's show. With that said... how did they do with what they were given? 

Adam Lambert - "No Boundaries"
God this is so difficult. He misses a LOT of notes but keeps a pretty good hold on the song overall until he drifts off into what sound like random screeches towards the end. As soon as it's over... I start feeling the pain that comes with knowing I have to listen to it again. Randy again says "you can sing anything" and is kind enough to not add "and this song really tested the boundaries of that idea." Paula says "adjectives can't express what Adam brought to season eight." Simon correctly mocks the "mountains and hurricanes" and calls Adam "a worldwide star" in the making. 

Kris Allen - "No Boundaries"

Kris starts way too high and keeps getting further outside his range. He also drops a whole line out of the chorus and it's not even the one about hurricanes. I would have mad respect for him tossing that out. God this whole performance is painful. He seems out of breath and I really think something's gone horribly wrong here. The judges all seem to agree and try to push people to vote based on the whole season and not on this one, horrific, performance. 

Who should win? I think no matter who wins we should all take a moment to be thankful that no matter what the winner isn't Danny Gokey. I voted repeatedly for Adam. I think there's a strong case for both of them depending on what styles of music you're into. Personally, I want a gay Idol. Also I'm going to see the Idols Live Tour this summer and I'd really like Adam to end the show. 

Who will win? This is WAY too close to call but my immediate thought after the show was that Kris will very narrowly take it. I think he'll pick up the majority of Gokey's fans. Adam wasn't at his best and Kara's Musical Holocaust aside, Kris was really on his game. 

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American Idol Top 3 - Judge's & Contestant's Choice

It's the time kids. Top 3, where the producers bring out the big guns to help get rid of contestants they don't want in the finale... Judge's Choice song selections. Though I doubt anything will ever top Syesha's song last year, a completely unknown dance-pop song from the soundtrack of Happy Feet, Hit Me Up. Let's see how the judges throw Kris under the bus and what they can say to push Chokey Karaoke Gokey into the finals.

This.... is my American Idol recap after the jump! 

Danny Gokey - "Dance Little Sister"  (Paula's Choice) : Danny gets a txt informing him that he's going to be singing a Terence Trent D'arby song and... he doesn't know it. I feel for him just for a moment and... I'm past it. Paula explains that this song is "magical" just like Danny's voice. Yeah.

It's really hard to judge a performance of a song you're not familiar with. Any decisions made by the contestant in terms of arrangement can't really be considered. His dancing though... I can judge that. Ugh. Nothing is as painfully awkward as the weird scatting, call and answer thing he's got going on with a saxophone player in the middle. Sigh. Randy says this was "the way to jump it off tonight." Kara likes that the song keeps him in his "money spot" and that there was too much gyrating from him in the dancing. Heh. What's she's really saying there is, "I'd still hit it but you're no Matt Giraud." Simon says the dancing was "desperate" and that he didn't like the "toy saxophone solo in the middle." 

Kris Allen - "Apologize" (Randy & Kara's Choice) : Kris gets his txt and asks the thousands of screaming girls in front of him if they want to hear him sing it on Tuesday. And their wombs all simultaneous explode. His performance is perfectly serviceable, nothing particularly Kris about it. His falsetto is weak. Meh. At least he's pretty. Randy & Kara wanted him to rearrange it, calling it "competent." Paula calls him out on a "bum note that was loud." Simon chastises Kara that for choosing a song for him and then blaming him for doing the song. Then insane judge bickering ensues. On the upside... there was less time for throwing Kris under the bus, which they shockingly didn't do much of. Agreeing with the judges blows.  

Adam Lambert - "One" (Simon's Choice) : Simon says this is one of his favorite songs in the world and that Bono said he'd be honored for Adam to sing it. This starts out so beautifully and then devolves into the most unnecessary Tranny Screeching ever. This was such a clear chance for Adam to just sing a song without the intense flourishes and I kind of wish the judges would rip him a new one for that. Not everything requires sticking your tongue out while the camera does a full 360 around your head. Paula critiques, "You have no idea how miserable my life is right now... sitting next to [Simon] gloating." "It may sound a little bit biased but I thought that was a brilliant song choice," says Simon. Yeah. This show is about singing.

Danny Gokey - "You Are So Beautiful": Ugh. This song choice for Gokey brings back the intense hate. Ryan queens out while describing how all the young girls in the audience "awww" at it's mention. HATE! Every time he does anything like this I can't get away from thinking this is a really calculated move to remind people his wife died. It strikes me as so skeezy and manipulative. The vocals are solid though and if I close my eyes and forget who he is for a moment I can imagine my Grandmother listening to this on an adult contemporary station. That's the only way I see Danny making a non-Christian music album... if he targets the "Quiet Storm" radio show demographic. Randy says that Danny shows he can "really, really, really sing." Kara calls it "stunning." Paula says it was a "beautiful, beautiful perFORMANCE" in a really awkward way that sounds like "farm dance." 

Kris Allen - "Heartless": Bias alert! I got SO excited when I heard Kris was doing this song. I love the original and I love dramatic rearrangements. Kris is on the stage alone with just his acoustic guitar and it's fan-fucking-tastic. This is exactly the kind of game-changer he needed to have a shot at getting into the final 2. Gokey went so middle of the road tonight that there's no way the judges can't recognize that what he's doing here is bold, innovative, and risky. Randy calls it "one of the toughest voting nights in the whole year of this show" and that it's "better than the original." Kara calls it "bold, brave, and fearless." Randy throws in a few "hot, hot"s while Kara blathers on. Paula "commends [him], bravo." Simon says he had written Kris out of the competition but "that has all changed after that performance" and it's SO TRUE. 

Adam Lambert - "Cryin'":  Adam comes out to do some "early Aerosmith" for Kara. Part of me likes to believe Adam picked this song as an insult to Gokey and his scream of doom last week, but somehow I doubt it. I'm not a huge fan of this song, but Adam is clearly having fun and that translates. Though... what the fuck?!?! the backup singer is screaming louder than he is and she's off key and it nearly brings down the whole first half of the song. Whenever he's alone it sounds great but whenever he tries to harmonize with her it's BAD. Thankfully she drops out early and we get plenty of fierce, 18-note Tranny Squeals! The performance is great but not at the level of insane greatness he's reached before. At this point Adam's greatest competition is the insane expectations people have for him. Randy, Kara, and Paula give him crazy amounts of praise. Simon points out that people need to vote for him. 

Who Should Go Home?: Uh, Danny Gokey

Who Will Go Home?: I can't say I'd be shocked by any result. The Adam/Danny, dark/light, homo/Chrisitan widower finale has be pre-planned from the beginning, but I think Kris did everything he could tonight to upset that. I'm going to say... the universe loves me and we finally put the Go in Gokey. 

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